As my last (quick) post alluded to, last week was a very hard week for me. I am not sure why I got so down on myself. I have been doing very well and thinking that things and life are actually moving right along. Work was less terrible then usual, I had an annual review and it actually went really well. Other parts were looking up. My body has been putting on some good weight of lean muscle mass that I have been working at for YEARS now. Thus I am a healthy kind of guy. Strength gains were coming on very well. Had many fun and special times to spend with my friends and family; especially enjoying the times with all their babies that are in my life. I was just in a really happy place and liked being there and keep working on bettering my life and my world. I felt that I was working, and moving in a smooth direction for my self and well being.
For some reason last week just did not work. Nothing I did seemed right. There was some kind of resistance or obstruction either my own or something or someone else in my way. It is hard when you thinking that you are in a good place and are able to put some money away for a holiday or rainy day and then are told you owe a crap lot more on stuff. Even worse when you have documents dating back several months, from the bank, that say that it was finished and taken care of. Not a surprise that I like.
Someday I really want a new car, a nice new car, like a Benz or BMW. I want to go on a trip and not have to save up for two years and only be able to go every two years. I want to snowboard or ski a couple of times a year and not have to think about not eating to save money on groceries so I can go (no I am not starving myself I have not been boarding in three years now). I do not want to tell my friends that I cannot go to thinks like bar b q's or potlucks because of the gas and i need to save that for work and emergencies.
Being with my friends and their family’s and my own brothers and their family makes me so happy to see how happy they all are. Their love for significant other and their children or the little ones that are on the way puts a smile on my face. Not me. Will it every happened for me? I am 31 and single. Will I every find the special guy to have in my life? I am ok with being single but I do not want to be single for ever. I want to share what I see in my friend and brothers’ have with the significant others. Have someone that sleeps beside me every night and we can get up and take the dogs for a walk and eat breakfast and get ready for the day together. Someone that I can just BE with and we just ARE.
Will I find a job or a career or something that I love? I love to work…it’s the job I am doing that causes me to not love it. I have been looking if there is something that better suits me. I have working on creating my own destiny. I enjoy working at it but I am a loose what to do next. How do I achieve it? That worries me because that mean that I am stuck in a job I do not love that much longer. I do not like not being taken seriously. I do not like feeling that I do not fit into the organization. I feel that way every day.
I am and need to keep working. I am better then this i know that.. I am doing things to because better, it is one thing to know i am better then this and now i need to act on it.
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